Room to Spare
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: Nine jinchuuriki sharing an apartment. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? [A long-requested spiritual successor to three separate one shots; drabbles, crack]
1. Where's the Remote?

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Gaara, Killer Bee, Fuu; [mostly just the canon-ish shipteases]

Summary: Jinchuuriki sharing an apartment. A long-requested spiritual successor to three separate one shots over two years old. [drabbles, crack]

* * *

"Hey, Gaara, have you seen the remote?"

This was the first thing Naruto Uzumaki said to his fellow jinchuuriki one fine morning.

Gaara of the Cascading Sands, who had been in the middle pouring himself out a hot cup of joe, blinked and looked up at his friend and flatmate. He stared at Naruto for three seconds.

"I have not," he said blandly, before turning to Roshi, who was in the middle of ruefully sipping at his own coffee (as black as tar, and about as palatable) and perusing the morning paper. "Roshi, have you seen the remote?"

The old man wrinkled his nose, setting down his mug. He looked up from the paper, and glanced around the table.

"No," he grunted, before returning to checking on the sports section. A moment later, he called out to a certain armored steam-user. "HAN!" Roshi shouted. "Have _you_ seen the remote?"

Han looked up from slapping a faintly excessive chunk of butter onto his toast.

"I think Bee had it last."

"BEE!" Roshi hollered. "WHERE'S THE GODDAMN REMOTE?!"

The jinchuuriki of the eight-tails walked into the kitchen wearing nothing but a bathrobe... and his sunglasses.

"Yo, old timer! Where could it be~?" he rapped in response. "That remote sure ain't on me! Last I saw, was on Yugito's lap~ Hot blonde mama was takin' a nap~"

Roshi huffed, muttering something under his breath about kids and their damn music.

Bee turned around, and hollered out to the bathroom.

"HEY, UP THERE! YO, YUGITO NI'I! WHEREVER COULD THAT LI'L REMOTE BE~?"

"HOW THE HELL SHOULD _I _KNOW?" was Yugito's irritably shouted response – the woman was **not** a morning person. "FUU HAD IT LAST!"

"UTAKATA HAD IT AFTER ME," came Fuu's bellowed interjection. "HE AND HOTARU WERE WATCHING SOME LATE NIGHT MUSH-FEST."

"_DAMMIT_, UTAKATA!" Yugito snapped from the bathroom. "THAT BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN PAY-PER-VIEW, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU STILL OWE ME YOUR SHARE OF THE RENT!"

"I ALREADY PAID YOU BACK, WOMAN!" Utakata snapped. "BESIDES, NARUTO USED IT AFTER WE DID!"

"GODDAMMIT, NARUTO!"

* * *

A/N: You know, humor is actually one of the hardest things to write, especially with my present default style. And that sort of challenge is exactly the kind of thing a writer should relish.

Hence, _this_.

The three fics this is a spiritual successor to, by the by, are _TOTALLY Less Than Threatening_, _No More Moon's Eye Plan_, and _OneTailed Brat_. The first two moreso than the latter.

**Updated:** 10-25-14

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	2. Fuu's Cereal Conundrum

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Gaara, Killer Bee, Fuu; [mostly just the canon-ish shipteases]

Summary: Nine jinchuuriki sharing an apartment. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? [A long-requested spiritual successor to three separate one shots; drabbles, crack]

* * *

Fuu scowled as she looked through the pantry door. Her eyes scanned over rows of cans, boxes, and bags.

"Why don't we have any cereal?" she muttered irritably, feeling perplexed by the absence of candy-coated awesomeness.

Now, to be fair, a part of the girl did recognizee that she probably should not have been looking for _that_ of all things at this time of day, but she craved what she craved, dammit.

And what she craved was sweet, sugary, crunchy nuggets bathed in cold milk.

_Delicious._

The thought of it made the girl's stomach rumble. Her scowl deepened in response, further vexed by the continued elusiveness of her inanimate, cardboard prey.

"And what's with all this canned tomato paste and crap, anyways?" she pondered. "I see a bunch of ingredients in here, but nobody's actually cooked a damn thing in AGES."

Fuu muttered darkly, and shut the pantry door.

Next she went to one of the cupboards. Craning her neck and standing on her tiptoes, Fuu pulled the cupboard door open and peeked inside.

It was stuffed to bursting with packets of cup ramen.

Quitely cursing Naruto's obsession with the damnable stuff, Fuu shut the door and sidled over to the next portion of the cupboard. She opened that door and peeked inside.

More ramen.

One of Fuu's eyes twitched.

Slowly, taking a deep breath and counting to ten, Fuu went over to the next cupboard door. Bracing herself for disappointment, she opened this one.

Big surprise.

_More ramen_.

"Whose bright idea was it to let _Naruto_ do the grocery shopping?" Fuu darkly pondered.

Shutting this cupboard with a touch more force than was strictly necessary, the Nanabi's jinchuuriki moved on to the last one. She opened it, expecting to see what probably _anyone_ would have been expecting at this point.

To her pleasant surprise, Fuu instead saw a collection of wonderful, tooth-rotting breakfasty goodness. Beaming, she hopped on top of the counter to grab her favorite brand. It was a diabetes-inducing tagteam of chocolate puffs and colorful, crunchy marshmallows with a cutesy cartoon mascot.

Then she hopped down from the counter, and went to the fridge.

She looked inside it for nearly half a minute before realizing something horrible.

"WE'RE ALL OUT OF MILK?!"

* * *

A/N: No reviews yet, but I see there must have been at least a few people who liked the previous chapter. So here's another short slice of life from Casa de Jinchuuriki.

Starring Fuu, in particular, who is perhaps the single most skimpily dressed character in the entire Naruto franchise. This assuredly has _nothing_ to do with why she is one of my favorite jinchuuriki.

*Whistles innocently*

(secretly crackshipping FuuShino cuz _wynaut_)

**Updated:** 10-25-14

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	3. Yagura vs Naruto

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Gaara, Killer Bee, Fuu; [mostly just the canon-ish shipteases]

Summary: Nine jinchuuriki sharing an apartment. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? [A long-requested spiritual successor to three separate one shots; drabbles, crack]

* * *

"Gah! Quit spawn-camping, dang it!"

Naruto swore as his character was shot through the head for the dozenth time, Yagura seated next to him and smirking.

"It's a perfectly legitimate strategy," the former Mizukage said loftily in response. "Especially for shinobi."

"It's _cheap_, is what it is!" Naruto hotly retorted, fingers angrily mashing the controls. "You're just cheating 'cause you know I'd kick your ass otherwise!"

Yagura scoffed.

"As if. You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with your aim."

Naruto's face reddened.

"I—you—these controls are just confusing!" he snapped. "I mean, what's up with these settings? Moving the stick up to look down... who _does_ that?"

"Wait, your controls are set to inverted?" Yagura replied. "How did that even _happen__?_"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Naruto groaned, cursing vehemently. Buttons clacked furiously beneath his fingers.

Seconds later, a shotgun blasted his character's head off for the umpteenth time.

Naruto blinked.

"Gah!" he said. "_Dammit!_ How do you even keep getting close enough to _do_ that? Spawn-camping jackass."

"You're just jealous because I'm better at this game than you are," Yagura replied loftily.

Naruto glowered.

"If we were playing _Ninja Storm Revolution_, I would SO kick your ass," he muttered. "I'm awesome at that game."

Yagura scowled.

"Spamming ultimate and team ultimate jutsu nonstop doesn't make you _good_ at that game," he said peevishly.

"It is a _perfectly_ legitimate strategy," Naruto sniffed, imitating the ambiguously-aged Fourth Mizukage.

Yagura replied with a very rude gesture.

* * *

A/N: First chapter was meant to include all nine jinchuuriki.

So naturally I completely forgot Yagura.

HERP-A-DERP

**Updated:** 10-27-14

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	4. Gaara vs Utakata's Booty Calls

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Gaara, Utakata, Hotaru; [Utakata x Hotaru]

Summary: Gaara wants to get his paperwork done, but certain inconsiderate neighbors make it very hard for him to concentrate.

* * *

Gaara's room was silent, save for the faintest _scritch-scritch_ of pen on paper. His desk lamp cast a faint circle of light over two small stacks of papers: one to his left, and one to his right.

Between the two stacks, Gaara carefully perused a form which requested a modest allocation of Suna's manpower for the purpose of doubling patrols on the Land of Wind's main trade thoroughfares. It seemed reasonable enough on the surface, but the Fifth Kazekage was also concerned about the limited number of shinobi in the Hidden Sand.

The Wind daimyo's budget cuts may have been reversed after the Sand-Sound invasion of the Leaf, but there had still been over a decade's time during which Suna had only been able to sustain a very small trickle of new blood into its forces. And while Sand casualties in the war may have been a little less than expected, there was still—

_"Ohh, Utakatan~"_

_"Mm, Hotaru-chin❤"_

Gaara's eye twitched at the sound of voices coming through the walls. He grit his teeth, having lost his train of thought thanks to a _certain_ interruption.

Trying to remember where he had been, Suna's Godaime shook his head and focused intently on the mission request form.

It was important to show that the Hidden Sand was still strong and capable of carrying out its duties to the Land of Wind, of course. The land upon which their village was built belonged to the daimyo, and a sizable chunk of the funding for their village's military and infrastructure came from the feudal lord's coffers.

While the Kazekage and Suna's elders were afforded a fair deal of leeway in day to day operation, they were still nominally the daimyo's vassals. As such, there was naturally a certain degree of obligation involved in—

_"Yes, oh YES! There, there... ahhn~!"_

_"Mmm, ohhh Hotaru... oh, baby..."_

Even through the walls, Gaara could hear the straining of springs in Utakata's mattress. He heard the posts of the Kiri jinchuuriki's bed frame thumping on the floor.

The redhead's cheeks acquired a certain hue strikingly similar to his hair. His pen trembled in his hand. Small blots of ink appeared on the margins of the form on his desk.

_"Oh, my! Oh, YES! Darling! Honey! Ahhn❤ Utakata-sama~~!"_

_"Mmm, Hotaru...! Ung! Uff... Gah! OHHHHHH!"_

Irritably, Gaara grabbed a pillow from the foot of his bed and pressed it around his head, covering his ears.

He could still hear them.

The Fifth Kazekage was strongly tempted to flood the amorous couple's room with a few hundred pounds of sand.

**Damn** that Utakata and his constant booty calls.

* * *

A/N: Happy birthday, self~! As a present to the score of people presently following this, here's a chapter with Gaara and Utakata/Hotaru.

(i am tempted to do faintly shippy stuff with Bee and Yugito, but... what do y'all think...?)

**Updated:** 10-29-14

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	5. Camp Town Races

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Han, Killer Bee, Roshi, Naruto; [N/A]

Summary: Four jinchuuriki go to the horse races. Only one will emerge victorious.

* * *

_"Justaway turns the corner, with Santa's Little Helper and Madao hot on his tail!"_

"Go, Justaway!" Han shouted, uncharacteristically loud and expressive as he cheered the horse on. "You can do it! Win daddy a new set of greaves!"

"C'mon SLH, you can go the dis-tance~! Killer Bee is gonna win, and do a break dance~! _C'mon!_"

"You can do it, Madao! Just a little farther! Yes, that's it... Just a little more, and old Roshi will finally have his lucky break...!"

_"...and bringing up the rear is Jumbo Ramen in last place! I repeat, Jumbo Ramen in last place!"_

Naruto waved his hands excitedly, a ticket stub clutched in his fist.

"Go the distance, Jumbo Ramen!" the blond hollered. "Believe in yourself, and you can do it!"

Han, Killer Bee, Roshi, and Naruto watched as the horse race unfolded. The first three looked varying degrees of anxious, Han sweating bullets, Bee's grin a touch strained, and Roshi's face a curious shade of puce. Each of them cheered on their horse, desperate to win it all.

Naruto was the only who didn't look too terribly concerned about who won or lost. And why should he?

He'd already won it big twice so far.

Han, Roshi, and Bee were just hoping against hope that this time Naruto _hadn't _bet on the right horse.

_"They're neck and neck, nose and nose! Santa's Little Helper, Justaway, and Madao are vying for the finish line!"_

"Santa's Little Helper, go! Win it in a flash, like WHOA!" Bee rapped/cheered.

"Justaway! Go, Justaway! Finish it off with your explosive speed!" Han hollered, clutching his ticket like it was his only lifeline.

"For the love of God, Buddha, Stan! I don't care, please! Just, please, Madao! Just this once, win it for old Roshi!"

"Gooo, Jumbo Rameeen~!" Naruto hollered, a toothy grin on his face. "Do your best!"

The horses scrambled forward in a final burst of speed, spurred on by their jockeys. The rumbling of their hooves was like an earthquake: a roaring, booming thunderstorm racing towards the finish line.

The announcer's voice blared through the overhead speakers.

_"Wait, what's this?"_

Roshi's eyes widened infinitesimally when he heard the note of surprise in the speaker's tone.

"Oh... oh, _don't you dare..._" he whispered, shooting a dark look at Naruto.

_"I don't believe it folks! I have never seen anything like this!"_

Han listened in slowly mounting horror. His face paled by several shades. He watched as the placement rankings on the electronic scoreboard started to shift.

_"What pluck! What grit! What inconceivable SPEED!"_

Bee's jaw went the slightest bit slack. Inside his head, the rapping jinchuuriki heard Gyuuki mutter something along the lines of _'I told you so'_.

_"Jumbo Ramen is shooting past every contender! He's going all the way from last place...! He's neck and neck with Madao, Justaway, and Santa's Little Helper! The finish line is inches away...!"_

Naruto's toothy grin widened infinitesimally. His eyes crinkled in pleasant mirth, even as his three fellow jinchuuriki pierced him with the blackest of glares.

_"Jumbo Ramen has pulled ahead and crossed the finish line! Unbelievable! All the way from last place to winning the whole shebang in less than ten seconds! It looks like anything really is possible, folks! Truly, this is the sport of kings!"_

"Alright!" Naruto cheerfully laughed. "I win again!"

Killer Bee's left eye twitched. Roshi only barely resisted the urge to strangle the blond.

Han was much less reserved.

"YOU _LUCKY SON OF A **BITCH!**_"

"ACK—!"

And that was the last time Naruto's fellow jinchuuriki took him gambling.

...at least until a certain ill-fated trip to Vegas.

* * *

A/N: Was originally gonna have Roshi say "[...]God, Buddha, Satan[...]", but I missed a keystroke while typing and found the resultant _"Stan"_ to be much more amusing. XP

Also, the idea of Han betting on horse races is something I find inordinately amusing.

**Updated:** 10-29-14

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	6. Five Nights with Yugito

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Yugito, Fuu; [mostly N/A]

Summary: Yugito gets a mission to watch over a certain pizza place from midnight to six... [meta-crossover with _Five Nights at Freddy's_]

* * *

An electric hum filled the air around her. The room was small and dimly lit, heat pouring off of the monitoring devices. A small rotary fan was the only source of temperature moderation.

Yugito Ni'i let out a soft hum, pinning a cell phone between her ear and her shoulder as she rested a tablet on her stomach. Her feet were sitting on the desk, the woman reclining languidly in her chair as she flicked through camera views and talked on the phone.

"Yeah, it's a real boring mission," she said to the person on the other end of the line. "Twelve hundred ryo to babysit some animatronics for a week. Hardly worth it, really."

She saw an anthropomorphic duck with a bib in the dining room. A big, purple rabbit was staring into the camera from another room. The camera labeled "Pirate's Cove" showed a pair of eyes gleaming from a gap in curtains, a sign proclaiming the area as _out of order_.

The bear was the only one still on stage.

"I know, right? It's totally beneath someone of my talents, but Han skived off at the last minute."

A moment of silence passed on Yugito's end, the quietude broken only by the clicking of buttons as she switched between camera views. Idly, she examined the nails of her free hand for dirt. A small jar of polish sat on the desk, opposite a half-empty mug of coffee.

"No clue why _he_ would've accepted this kind of mission. Han's just weird like that, I guess. You know what I mean, Fuu?"

_"Guys just really like robotics and crap, don't they?"_ Fuu's voice was audible even with the phone to Yugito's ear.

"Maybe," Yugito said with a pointless shrug. "Bee offered to take the shift for me, but you _know_ he would have left things a total mess."

She checked the cameras for the hall.

Ah. Looked like the duck was making its way down to her area.

Yugito yawned.

"I guess these animatronics are malfunctioning, or something, and Bee probably would've messed them up something fierce. He is _terrible_ with machines."

_"And you AREN'T?"_ came Fuu's staticky, snickered response. _"The way I remember it, that VCR in your room was flashing 12:00 the entire time you had it."_

"That doesn't mean a thing," Yugito drawled. "I already had a working clock on my nightstand. There was no need to reprogram the VCR..."

A metallic groaning and whirring alerted Yugito to an animatronic, anthropomorphic duck standing outside one of the doors to her room. The blonde sighed, and rolled her eyes.

"Would you excuse me for sec, Fuu?" she said, setting the tablet down and sitting up straight, grabbing the cellphone in her hand. "One of the mascots has wandered out of bounds again."

Setting the cellular on her desk, Yugito cracked her neck and stretched.

"Shoo, little ducky," she muttered. "Go back to your forest friends."

The duck's toothed bill hung open, showing a second set of teeth at the back of its mouth.

"**SCREEEEEEEEEEEE!**"

The animatronic mascot spazzed out, pouncing on Yugito.

She caught it with one hand.

"No," Yugito said boredly. "_Bad_ ducky."

Her torso flickered with a hint of blue flame.

**_"Go play with your little__ friends,"_** hissed a thoroughly unamused Yugito Ni'i, her pupils slit and irises noticeably heterochromatic. An azure, fiery aura enveloped her lithe, athletic figure.

With what looked like a gentle push, Yugito send the bird toppling backwards out of the security room. Screee'ing fearfully, Chica the Chick scurried away from the frightening blonde.

Heading back to her chair, Yugito picked the phone back up.

"So, yeah, like I said it's _real_ boring work," Yugito drawled, picking up the conversation where they had left it off. "Totally beneath someone of my skill."

_"Do you at least get a discount on anything?" _Fuu chipperly inquired.

"...I'll bring a pizza home, if that's what you're asking," Yugito said, rolling her eyes.

_"Woot! Make sure to get plenty of extra cheese on mine, Yugi!"_

Yugito snorted back a laugh.

"Sure," she said. "I'll see what I can do."

* * *

A/N: I had an idea for a oneshot with Team Guy as seen in _Rock Lee no Seishun Full Power Ninden_ working at Freddy Fazbear's pizza-whatever, but then I decided to do the same idea except in a chapter of this fic. The idea of the murderous animatronics being only a minor nuisance is very amusing. XP

Also, girl!talk between Yugito and Fuu. Because they are the only (known) female jinchuuriki.

...aside from, you know, Kushina. And Mito. And technically Kaguya, too.

My point still stands.

**Updated:** 11-2-14

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	7. Yagura Gets Carded

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Yagura, Suigetsu; [possibly lightly implied SuiKa]

Summary: Yagura goes to a convenience store. Hijinx ensue.

* * *

Yagura was in a good mood as he stood in the check out line at the convenience store. He'd just cashed in the paycheck from a particularly tough mission, and was looking forward to a nice, relaxing night by himself.

In the former Mizukage's arms was a six-pack of beer, some assorted salty snacks, and the latest issue of _Hidden Mist Hotties_.

The beer was the good kind, not the cheap stuff that tasted like piss, the snacks were all assorted varieties of unhealthy deliciousness, and the magazine bore a trio of suggestively posing women in wildly impractical kunoichi garb, the subtitle on the cover proudly proclaiming itself to contain numerous _Naughty Ninja Nudes_.

Whistling cheerfully to himself, the straw-haired Yagura stood in line behind a teen in a violet shirt. The boy looked vaguely like a Hozuki, but Isobu's jinchuuriki paid this no heed.

He just wanted to get back to his room, crack open a cold one, and enjoy some much-needed alone time.

"Okay, so that's three instant ramen," said the mildly attractive brunette cashier, "one copy of _Hidden Mist Hotties_, an issue of _Birdwatcher's Weekly_..."

She blushed.

"...the latest edition of... um... _Bishounen Buttsex Brutality_..."

The teen scowled, his face a deep shade of maroon.

"It's for my girlfriend," he said.

The cashier quirked an eyebrow, but didn't say anything else.

"...and, ah... six bottles of water," she finished distractedly, clearing her throat. Her fingers clacked on the cash register's keyboard for a second, before a number popped up on the digital display. "Your total comes to four hundred and eighty ryo," she said.

The white-haired teen muttered a few vulgar imprecations against stingy redheads and freeloading gingers, but nonetheless produced the requested amount from his wallet.

The cashier smiled politely at the teen, and waved him on by.

"Have a good day, sir!" she chirped, a routine no doubt drilled into her over months of monotonous minimum wage labor. "And thank you for shopping at—"

The door slammed shut before the woman could even finish her sentence.

Scoffing at the teenager's rudeness, and muttering something rather impolite himself about kids these days, Yagura stepped up to the cashier and laid his purchases on the counter. He had already tallied up the prices in his head, calculating for tax as well.

The case of beer was fifty ryo. The snacks ranged in price from ten to thirty ryo apiece. And the special, double-sized edition of _Hidden Mist Hotties_ was two hundred ryo.

Including sales tax, the cost of his purchase came to three hundred and seventy-five ryo.

Yagura had exactly that amount ready at hand. He was not a terribly patient man, and greatly disliked being made to wait any more than absolutely necessary. He intended to get in and out, and head on home in as little time as possible.

He waited for the cashier to finish ringing up his purchases, but she stopped at the case of beer and magazine.

"Ah, excuse me, _sir_," she said, flashing a hollow, customer-service smile at Yagura. "I'll need to see your ID. It's store policy, you understand."

Yagura's left eye twitched. For a second, he contemplated making a snide remark about how she had let that obviously underaged teen off without asking for _his_ identification, but then he decided that it would be more trouble than it was worth.

Grumbling about unfair treatment of the short and naturally youthful-looking, the Fourth Mizukage grabbed his wallet and opened it up. He showed the cashier his shinobi ID card.

The ponytailed brunette took one look at the birth date, before glancing below that and frowning.

"I'm sorry sir, but this ID card is expired."

Yagura resisted the urge to glare at the woman.

"Yes," he said. "And? It still has my date of birth on it."

"It does," the cashier agreed. "But it's also expired, so I can't sell you that beer or...ah... _magazine_."

Yagura did not resist the urge to glare, this time.

"Why _not?_" he muttered. "Do you think it's a forgery?"

The cashier shook her head.

"No, it looks genuine," she told him. "But that doesn't change the fact that it's expired."

Yagura's right eye twitched.

"Does it being expired change the fact that I am well above the minimum age?" he said slowly, gritting his teeth.

"No, of course not," the woman said.

"So we both agree, then, that I am _obviously_ a legal adult," the youthful-looking man all but growled.

"We do," the cashier agreed.

"Then there should be no reason why you cannot sell me those things, since I am NOT a minor, and have every legal right to buy all the porn and booze I might want. _Correct?_"

"I can't," the woman told him, shrugging. "Your ID is expired."

Yagura snapped.

When he finally came to, several hours later, the convenience store was a smoking crater on the edge of town, and the cashier was lying in his bed next to him.

Naked.

And giving him very suggestive bedroom eyes, too.

"...I don't even want to know," Yagura decided, sighing and massaging his temples.

"You ready for round two, _stud?_" the cashier purred.

He grunted.

"Sure, whatever."

Not for the first time, Yagura found himself cursing his youthful good looks.

* * *

A/N: So somehow the ending goes from Yagura destroying the convenience store to having heavily implied sex with the cashier.

Yeah, sure, why not.

**Updated:** 11-14-14

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	8. Money Troubles

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Utakata, Yugito; [mentioned Utakata x Hotaru]

Summary: Utakata is having money troubles, but finds Yugito to be wholly unsympathetic. [Part one in a miniature trilogy]

* * *

Utakata looked at the bank receipt in his hand. He stared blankly at the amount it listed in his checking account.

_Negative seventeen thousand five hundred and twenty four ryo...?_

He stared blankly at the receipt.

Blink.

He looked back over his shoulder at the bank teller, who gave him a perfectly polite smile.

He looked back at the bank receipt in his hand.

Utakata felt true despair.

"Yugito-san is... NOT going to be happy to hear this..." he mumbled, knowing how fastidious the woman was about collecting rent.

* * *

She wasn't.

_"You spent HOW MUCH?!" _

Yugito's shout rang inside Utakata's skull.

He grimaced, tense and awkward as the fearsome blonde seemed to tower over him (despite being much shorter), looking absolutely livid at his explanation of why he wouldn't be able to make this month's payment.

The woman stomped back and forth in the living room of the jinchuurikis' shared apartment, her eyes flashing angrily. Fire was on her tongue, with which she lashed the fecklessly irresponsible Utakata.

"How many times have we been over this? Everyone has to pull their own weight!" Yugito ranted, her face a bright shade of red. "_SERIOUSLY_, UTAKATA! How the _hell_ is a shinobi of your caliber _seventeen thousand ryo in the__ hole?!_"

"W-well, I haven't taken any missions in a while..." said Utakata sheepishly.

"And _why not?_" Yugito snapped. "Even _Bee__ and Naruto_ have been keeping up on rent! Even _Roshi_ is at least doing enough missions to pay his share of utilities! And THEY aren't constantly keeping the whole place awake with their fucking horny girlfriends!"

"Ohhh? But I'd say you and Bee can get pretty loud yourselves..." Utakata muttered.

This earned him a dark glare from the blonde.

"No. You know what?" she hissed, her eyes narrowed. "If you can't afford to pay rent, then _maybe you shouldn't be living in this apartment_."

"Maybe I _won't_," Utakata agreed, feeling a rare surge of temper. He grabbed his bubble pipe. "Hotaru would be MORE than happy to take me in," he said. "And she's much _cuter_ than you, too."

Yugito punched him on the nose.

_Hard_.

Utakata recoiled, blood gushing from his nostrils. His nose was bent at an unnatural angle.

"You_ bitch...!_" he hissed, gritting his teeth. Staggering back, he whipped around and stormed out of the room.

He dropped his bubble pipe on the floor.

Yugito's eye twitched, and she snatched up the offending item.

"Hey, deadbeat!" she snapped. "_Don't forget your_ **_stuff!_**"

She whipped her arm and flung the pipe at Utakata's retreating form. It hit him in the back of the head.

"OW!" he yelped, catching the pipe in his hand.

Yugito crossed her arms over her chest.

"AND _DON'T COME BACK!_"

* * *

A/N: Thus begins an ill-conceived mini-trilogy within the confines of this drabble/oneshot collection. Based largely on the brief exchange between Yugito and Utakata in the first chapter.

Because apparently Yugito has become the Kakuzu of this group.

And now that's a thing.

**Updated:** 11-15-14

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	9. Tastes Like Regret

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Utakata, Yugito; [Utakata x Hotaru, implied Yugito x Bee]

Summary: Yugito and Utakata begin to question certain recent decisions. [Part two in a miniature trilogy]

* * *

Utakata let out a low, weary sigh as he stumbled through the door of his girlfriend's apartment. He was slouching, trudging blearily over the threshold of Hotaru's flat.

Fiddling with his bubble pipe, the rokubi's jinchuuriki cast a searching eye over the hall closet. There was a note taped to the sliding door, and he staggered over to read it.

_Utakata-sama,_

_A friend invited me to her uncle's place in Tanzaku Town. I should be back in about a week. Food's in the cupboard, but if you need to buy more remember to make a list of your purchases._

_Also, if you're feeling lonely, I've left some "special pictures" under your pillow, just for you❤ _

_XOXO,_

_Hotaru-chan_

Utakata smiled weakly.

"Ah. I have the place to myself," he said.

The words tasted like ash.

He sighed, feeling the weight in his coin purse. A solo C-rank had been sufficient to make up the difference in his checking account, but the mission had not been fun.

Easy, yes. But also tedious, and very frustrating.

It was no fun escorting a dirty old merchant through red light districts.

"...I think I'll go look for those pictures," Utakata decided.

* * *

"Utakata's gone?" said Roshi, quirking an eyebrow. "That's a shame."

He took a sip of his coffee, grimacing at the foul taste. Shaking his head, the old man let out a sigh.

Yugito snorted.

"He was even less reliable than you," she said, her eyes glinting. "When it came to rent."

A pause.

"And... _speaking_ of which..."

Roshi chuckled nervously.

"I'll have it for you on the fifth," he said. "The check from my last mission hasn't gone through quite yet."

Yugito rolled her eyes.

"Right," she drawled. "Whatever. Just have it ready for me on the fifth, alright?"

Roshi nodded.

"Yeah, sure," he said absentmindedly. "It'd be a shame to wind up like Utakata..."

The nibi's jinchuuriki scowled.

* * *

"It's too quiet."

Utakata stared up at the ceiling of the bedroom he had been sharing with Hotaru since getting kicked out of his old apartment. The waste basket at the bedside contained a handful of wadded up tissues, and an album of very _personal_ photos lay sprawled across his chest.

The sensual selfies Hotaru left behind for her boyfriend had certainly helped take the edge off for a little bit, but such diversions had their limits. Now all that was left was a cramped wrist and a half-empty bottle of lotion.

The apartment, which had seemed very cozy the past couple days, now felt all too large and empty.

Utakata's stomach grumbled.

He decided to make himself a snack.

... ... ...after he washed his hands.

* * *

Yugito was in a very foul mood when she went to bed that night. All day various tenants had been commenting on Utakata's absence, and either bringing her their share of the rent or nervously promising to have it paid by the due date.

It was clear that Utakata's eviction had set them on edge. Yugito had firmly established herself as the most fiscally responsible of the nine bijuu hosts, and had thus taken on the role of unofficial landlord.

Half of her fellow jinchuuriki were complete flakes. The other half were comparatively responsible, but also nonetheless prone to forgetting about rent.

Gaara in particular, despite how otherwise meticulous he was, did not entirely _get _the concept of paying for your living space. First as the son of the Kazekage, and then the Kazekage himself, the redhead had never had to pay rent until moving into this apartment.

Bee, of course, was just one big flake, and Naruto was similarly forgetful. Fuu, likewise, had a very bad habit of toeing the deadline.

Roshi's luck with money was simply terrible, and half of the time Yagura seemed to think rent was just _beneath_ him. Han was relatively responsible, but he was one of the only ones.

And all of them were obviously worried that they might be the next to go.

...well, except for Bee. But Yugito gave him a lot of slack.

He was _very_ good with his hands, you see.

* * *

A/N: Blargrog. Half asleep. Yadda yadda etc.

**Updated:** 11-17-14

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	10. Making Nice

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Yugito, Killer Bee, Utakata; [Yugito x Bee, implied Utakata x Hotaru]

Summary: Yugito and Utakata decide to make amends. [Final part in a miniature trilogy]

* * *

"Hey, Yugi-doll, why the long face? You look like your horse just lost the big race."

Yugito Ni'i barely reacted when Killer Bee walked into her room. She wasn't in any compromising position, and was fully dressed.

As a matter of fact, she was actually sitting at her desk and going over the bills when he barged in. It was boring work to be sure, whether she was the responsible one or not, so Yugito was honestly _glad_ for the temporary diversion.

"Oh, it's nothing," she said absently, giving the raikage's adoptive little brother a crooked half-smile. "Just balancing the books. You know, the usual."

Bee cocked one of his eyebrows, and sidled up to Yugito. Thick arms were crossed over a muscular chest, and Gyuuki's jinchuuriki seemed to be giving his fellow Cloud native a penetrating look.

That much was apparent even through his sunglasses.

"Doesn't look like nothing to me, Yugito, baby," he said, leaning his head in close and causing Yugito's cheeks to ever-so-slightly heat up. "You're looking pretty down. Wanna talk it out, maybe?"

Yugito sighed, and shook her head.

"Ah, no..." she said. "It's just, you know..."

"Is it Utakata, and his rent?" Bee guessed. "Or maybe the other tenants? He was kicked out pretty fast, not even time to lambast. I'm sure his fellow cast... are feelin' downright _aghast_."

Yugito frowned, and lightly thumped Bee's chest.

"Living space isn't free," she said. "A penthouse apartment large enough to comfortably room all of us jinchuuriki is naturally going to cost a _lot_ of money, and Utakata had missed his share of the rent too many times already... Plus, of course, other tenants have complained a _number_ of times about him and Hotaru... well, _you know_."

She shook her head, narrowing her eyes and setting her jaw.

"I get that this is a big diplomatic thing or whatever, but if a tenant can't afford to pay their way... it's only natural for them to be evicted, right?"

Bee slung an arm over her shoulder, smiling wryly at Yugito.

Her ears burned at his proximity.

"I ain't saying you're wrong, and I ain't saying you're right," he said fairly sagely, "but it really ain't fun when your friends have a fight. A'ight?"

Yugito hummed thoughtfully, and let herself lean in close to Bee's frame.

He was _very_ warm.

"Mm, perhaps..." she murmured, conceding the point. "I guess I should at least apologize for losing my temper with him. We're all friends here, after all..."

Bee grinned, and nodded.

His whiskers tickled her cheek.

* * *

Utakata sighed as he pocketed the pay from his latest mission. It had been a solo A-rank, this time, netting him a cool three hundred and fifty grand.

Of course, he was not in the best of shape as he stumbled through the door of the apartment. He had an ugly bruise over his left eye, one arm in a sling, and bandages covering most of the rest of his body.

He looked like he had been to hell and back, and in Utakata's opinion that would not have been too inaccurate a descriptor.

Some ninja _enjoyed_ taking high-risk missions. Some shinobi amassed themselves small fortunes doing crazy dangerous jobs with extremely high pay-outs. Some people just plain _got off_ on having the shit kicked out of them.

Utakata was not one of those people.

"Ugh..." he groaned, wincing as he felt one of his stitches loosen up. "This better make her happy..."

Even a jinchuuriki healing factor had its limits, and Utakata was not the most physically robust individual. This latest mission had put him through the wringer, and he looked like he had lost a fight with a steamroller.

To be frank, the guy was a bloody mess.

But there was an upside to this. There was a reason that the normally laidback Utakata had decided to take on such a rigorous job.

This paycheck would last him at least few months.

Naruto and Gaara blinked, seeing the man stumble in through the door.

"Utakata?" the blond said. "Are you okay? You look like crap."

"I thought you'd moved out," the redhead added, quirking a non-existent eyebrow.

Utakata gave them both a weak, lopsided grin.

"I've got my share of the rent," he said lamely. "Enough for about the next twenty years. Do you think that'll be enough of a security deposit?"

Naruto blinked. Gaara did some quick mental figuring.

"...you looking to make nice with Yugito?" the former guessed.

Utakata shrugged.

"What can I say...?" he mumbled. "Hotaru's place is... too quiet."

Gaara shrugged.

"Fair enough," he said.

"Yugito should be in her room," Naruto added. "She was looking over bills, last I saw her."

Utakata smiled, and nodded.

"Thank you."

He then went to Yugito's room, intending to give her his rent and make amends.

Unfortunately for Utakata, the woman had happened to be in the middle of something she would have rather NOT had interrupted, and even Bee seemed a little vaguely displeased at being barged in on.

Yugito, by comparison, was naturally _livid_.

And that was how Utakata wound up having to spend most of his rent money on hospital bills.

* * *

A/N: And so the status quo was restored.

**Updated:** 11-20-14

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	11. T'is the Season

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Han, Gobi/Kokuo; [N/A]

Summary: Han feels the pinch of the holiday season, and Kokuo is into the spirit of things.

* * *

"Ugh... I hate Christmas shopping."

Han's groaned miserably, collapsing on the living room couch. He stared up listlessly at the ceiling, numbly counting the dimples and lumps in the plaster.

_"I dunno, I think it's fun."_

Kokuo's voice echoed in the armored man's head, the five-tailed dolphin horse sounding inscrutably cheery.

"You're not the one who has to turn his wallet inside out to pay for all these gifts," Han irritably replied.

He was alone in the living room. Snow could be seen falling outside the window, fluffy white flakes drifting and floating on chilly puffs of wind.

_"You make more than enough money,"_ Kokuo answered. _"From your missions, that is. It ain't that much of a drain, right? Buying presents for the gang."_

"It's the principle of the matter," Han sniped back, sounding peevish. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to think of good gifts for everyone? I barely know half of these people."

_"Then don't buy them presents,"_ Kokuo said simply, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.

Han snorted.

"That would just be RUDE," he drawled. "Just because I don't know them doesn't mean I want them miffed with me over getting snubbed on Christmas morning."

_"...what about Secret Santa?"_ the Five-Tails suggested. _"That way you only have to buy one gift, and it'll be anonymous anyways."_

"Then **I'd** be only getting one gift in return," was Han's retort. "But the more people you get presents for, the more people you can expect to get presents _from_. It's a give-and-take sort of thing."

_"Not that I'm an expert on the subject, but ain't Christmas supposed to be the season of giving? As in, JUST giving?"_ Kokuo smarmily interjected.

"It is," Han insisted. "It's the season of giving unto others, and graciously accepting the things given unto YOU."

_ "Ah. How **selfless**,"_ Kokuo drawled.

Han scoffed.

"Bite me," he grunted.

* * *

A/N: This is a really short one. Just wanted to get another chapter out for this, and couldn't think of anything that great.

**Updated:** 12-6-14

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	12. Fuu's Ache

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Fuu; [N/A]

Summary: Having teeth pulled, in and of itself, isn't that bad. No, it's in the days_ after_ the procedure when life truly becomes miserable.

* * *

It was five in the morning when she woke up.

Five in the morning.

_On her day off._

Fuu whimpered. She felt a bone-deep throbbing in her gums, an ache that had spread from the gaps between her remaining teeth to her brain. It probably wasn't actually possible, but she could have sworn that the pain from her extracted teeth was _somehow_ magically infecting the rest of her head.

She wanted to sleep. She dearly, truly longed to drift off once more into the blissfully unaware stupor of sleep, but the stubborn, steady pangs in her gums weren't about to let her rest. Her eyelids were heavy, and she felt dreadfully tired still, but the pain wasn't exactly easy to ignore.

Blearily, Fuu rubbed circles over her temple with one hand, trying to stave off the headache that threatened to drag her grumbling and swearing into wakefulness. With her other hand, she reached over to her nightstand and felt around blindly for the bottle of pain relievers the dentist had prescribed her. She squinted through the darkness, eyes only half-open, and after a few seconds of fruitless groping managed to wrap her fingers around the small container.

Sighing in relief, she picked up the bottle and shifted temporarily into a sitting position. Blindly and slowly, trying not to jar herself awake, Fuu fiddled the bottle open and carefully dumped a pill into her hand. Luckily she didn't spill the whole thing in her drowsy, pained state.

Snapping the lid back on and grabbing her water bottle from its usual place on her bedside table, Fuu palmed the dose of painkiller onto her tongue and chased it down with a mouthful of room temperature water.

Her eyelids slid shut once more, heavy and tingling, and she set the two bottles back in their places before lying back down and hoping sleep would soon come to claim her.

It felt like it took ages for the pain in her gums to die down. Before the meds had even fully kicked in, Fuu found herself needing to use the bathroom, and after a few seconds of indecisive tossing and turning she reluctantly got up to answer nature's call. She walked to the bathroom with her eyes more closed than open, trying to keep her mind and body in as sleep-ready a state as possible. Fuu knew the path by heart, and navigated the hallway without any trouble.

When she opened the bathroom door, however, the poor girl found her peepers assaulted by a seemingly blinding light, and she swore under her breath. Squeezing her eyes more tightly shut, she groped her way into the bathroom and irritably flipped the light switch. It took longer than she was happy with to relieve herself and wash her hands (the cool water not helping to keep her sleepy), and Fuu was very grumpy and tired as she trudged back to her bedroom.

Fuu's ears were ringing and her jaw was throbbing when she slipped once more under her covers, although the pain reliever had finally begun to numb the discomfort, and she silently prayed that she would get back to sleep without any more difficulty. Her eyes closed easily enough, and she slowed her breathing and cleared her mind.

She hoped somnolence would come quickly.

"Dammit," Fuu moaned piteously, rolling over in her cot. She cupped her cheeks in her hands and gingerly massaged her jaw. "Let me_ sleeeeep_."

She stayed that way for hour, at least, before it finally became clear to her that she would _not_ be falling back asleep any time soon.

Cursing everything she could think of, a sore and drowsy Fuu pulled the covers over her head and flipped her 3DS open.

It wouldn't help her sleep, but at least it would take her mind off the pain.

* * *

A/N: Sore and sleep-deprived and woozy as I am from getting mah wisdom teefs pulled Monday, I dunno how well this chap'll actually turn out, but it's been ages since I updated this and I figured I should at least do _something_.

Fuu in this chapter is basically me the past couple mornings. I can't think too clearly with this pang in my jaw feeling like it's sorta stabbing my brain's flank, so this might not be so much funny or entertaining as it is just venting my rawrs and blargles.

**Updated:** 2-19-15

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


	13. How to Make a Hundred Friends!

**Room to Spare**

A _Naruto_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Gaara, Killer Bee, Fuu; [mostly just the canon-ish shipteases]

Summary: Nine jinchuuriki sharing an apartment. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? [A long-requested spiritual successor to three separate one shots; drabbles, crack]

* * *

"Woohoo! I've done it!"

Fuu's victorious shout rang through the apartment. Seconds later, the girl herself came bounding from her room, beaming brightly as she sprang into the living room.

Gaara looked up from his laptop, and Roshi peered at Fuu over the edge of his newspaper. Naruto set down his weekly issue of Shonen Jump and quirked an eyebrow.

"Huh. You look pretty perky today, Fuu," the blond remarked from his vantage point on the floor.

The cavorting verdette narrowly avoided stepping on his face.

"What did you do?" Gaara wondered, looking tired already. "Please tell me it didn't cause any collateral damage."

Fuu laughed.

"Nope, nothing like that! No need to worry, man." She grinned from ear to ear, striking a flashy pose. "I've just FINALLY MADE A HUNDRED FRIENDS!"

Roshi blinked once. Twice.

He then sighed and returned his attention to the newspaper, muttering something about _damn kids _under his breath.

"A hundred friends?" Naruto parroted quizzically. A moment later he laughed. "Wow, good for you!"

"Yeah, yeah! I know, right?" Fuu chirped. "A whole HUNDRED! Haha, I can't believe how well it actually worked, either!"

"Yeah, I don't even know what you did, but it must've been really something if you made a whole hundred friends!"

"Hehehe... but that's just a woman's power, bro!" Fuu bragged, striking an exaggerated gravure pose.

Naruto laughed at this and clapped her on the shoulder, beaming.

"Maybe, haha!"

Gaara hummed thoughtfully.

"By friends," he said slowly, "would you be referring to people you met on the internet?"

"On tumblr, yeah," Fuu said with a nod. "Why do you ask?"

Gaara frowned and typed something into his laptop. His eyes scanned over the screen for a moment.

"..._'Wanna play cards? Backgammon? ...or maybe take a bath~?__'_" he read aloud, a hint of disbelief in his voice. "_Really_, Fuu?"

He shook his head and let out a sigh.

Fuu cocked her head to one side, as though she didn't understand what he was talking about.

"What is it, Gaara?" Naruto asked, his curiosity piqued. He leaned over to view the laptop screen.

A beat.

Naruto's face blossomed into a vibrant shade of red.

"Oh, wow. Um..."

He coughed and nervously averted his gaze.

Fuu blinked innocently. She peered over Gaara's shoulder. Then she laughed and grinned toothily.

"Ah, yeah," she cheerily observed. "That one was probably reblogged the most."

Naruto turned to look at Fuu.

"...I don't think this counts as having a hundred friends, Fuu."

"Eh? Why not?" she asked.

"You posted pictures of yourself taking a bath," he deadpanned.

"Yeah, so?"

"Including pictures of yourself getting _out_ of the bath. With no towel. _Naked_."

"...I don't see where you're going with this, man."

Gaara sighed and put a hand on Naruto's shoulder.

"Fuu," he said bluntly. "You're a fit and relatively attractive young woman who posted nude selfies on tumblr. I... think you might not be sending _quite_ the message you think you're sending."

"It probably doesn't help that the top half of her face was cropped out in most of the pictures," Roshi added absentmindedly, turning a page in the newspaper.

Naruto and Gaara turned to stare at Roshi, silently judging.

Fuu's face lit up, on the other hand.

"Ah! Old man! You're t4nt33n-t1nyt1t5-l0vr69, aren't you?!" she exclaimed. "Haha! Thanks for all that advice on staging the pictures, it helped me get _loads_ more popular!"

The older jinchuuriki coughed.

"...er, you're welcome," he said.

Naruto and Gaara did a facefault.

* * *

A/N: For a while, I was iffy about checking out that "New Chuunin Exams" filler arc... but then I was sick one day and had nothing better to do.

I was pleasantly surprised. It's actually pretty good for the most part! And without a doubt, my favorite parts have been those revolving around Fuu. If I liked her before based almost entirely on appearance, the personality she's been given by the anime staff has made me fall in love, haha!

Not least of which because it's actually kinda similar to how I've portrayed Fuu here. Talk about strange minds thinking alike, eh? ;D

("the gutter" is my mind's home away from home  
y'know, just in case you still had any doubts)

**Updated:** 4-30-15

**TTFN and R&amp;R!**

– — ❤


End file.
